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DEALING WITH ADOLESCENCE

As parents, many of us anticipate trouble as our children approach adolescence. We hear what other parents say and fear the worst. But must there be trouble? Must conflicts always be damaging? Is there no room for healthy conflict during this important period of growth?

Many of us would agree that while the teen years are often very difficult, peace is possible. “Tempestuous teenagery” is smoother when we see it as a time when young people are beginning to grow up, searching for independence and freedom. Yet it is a time of bewilderment when teens struggle between childhood and adulthood, swinging from one extreme mood to the other.

Will they ever grow up?

Understanding the adolescent viewpoint is difficult for most of us. To us, kids seem irrational, illogical and rebellious. It is a storm period. Both their bodies and sexual awareness are growing – but at uneven rates. Their minds are beginning to grow. They are learning to think in terms of ideas and ideals; they are beginning to think about ethics, morality, life and death. Their feelings range widely and change rapidly from high to low, from engagement to withdrawal.

It is a time of self-discovery, in which they grow away from us, their parents, prepare for careers and become part of a larger world.

All this is natural growing up. But the normal process of trying to grow away from us opens the way for conflict.

Us and them?

Why do we find it so difficult to get along with our teenagers? Why does an ”us and them” situation develop? Part of the difficulty lies in our points of view; part of the difficulty lies with adolescents and their uncertain place in life.

Conflicts arise when we expect our children to assume our generation’s ideas about how the world ought to be. Yet adolescents see around them a world of changing standards. The ways people act, dress and relate to each other have changed and continue to change. Very little of the “when I was your age” advice seems to apply to the adolescents world. We try desperately, but we cannot rely completely on our own experiences to help us understand the behavior and goals of our teenagers.

Not only have times changes, but teenagers receive conflicting messages. It has become more and more difficult for young people to know whether they are supposed to do as adults do or do as adults say; to do as their peers dictate or do as relatives and neighbors approve. Further, they are growing up in an adult world with its own serious conflicts. Some of their parent’s oldest and deepest beliefs are being questioned; some are no longer valid.

What can we do?

As parents, we can help to reduce the tension between generations more than the typical adolescent can. We have the advantage of experience and maturity. Nature will take its course, but this does not mean, “let the kids run roughshod”. It does suggest, however that we try to be objective, that we try to understand our adolescents stage of turmoil and try to accept the “tempestuous teens” as a normal process, difficult as that may be. We find the fewest problems when we approach this period in our children’s lives with some understanding of the “child-becoming-adult” and respect the adolescent’s individuality.

Good parenting is perhaps just doing a good job of weaning, even though letting our children go may mean letting them get hurt. The more independent we allow them to feel, the less hostile they are. A confident “letting go” – allowing and encouraging self-sufficiency within well-defined boundaries – will enable us to remain friends with our adult children. The reward is in seeing our children face adulthood with self-confidence because they feel independent and respected as individuals.

During this adolescent period of bewilderment, we help the most when we provide relationships and experiences that correct character flaws while helping to build strong personality.

Need help

Most parents and adolescents work their way through these difficult times with the help and support of friends, clergy, teachers, older relatives and others. But, if you or members of your family find the struggle baffling, if communications have broken down, contact your EAP, local crisis line, mental health association or community resource center. They can help you decide what’s best for you and your family.

Remember your Employee Assistance Program is:
• Confidential: All information is kept strictly between you and your counselor
• Informal: A simple phone call starts the process and there’s no red tape.

For assistance call Hidalgo Health Associates at:
800-448-4470