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WHEN YOU ARE FACING DIVORCE

Every marriage reaches a point where one or the other partner thinks about breaking off the relationship. Most are fleeting thoughts born of anger, frustration or a wish to escape responsibility.

But often enough, these fantasies turn into action. One partner, or perhaps both, decides that it may be time to “split”

Is this what I want?

The troubled partners face countless questions in this process. Can I go on living this way? Is this relationship what I want? Do I really want a divorce? How can I know? What about the children? What would my parents and brothers and sisters think? Where would I live? Is there someone I can talk to? What should I do?

Meanwhile, the relationship may continue to deteriorate until eventually there is no doubt that something must be done.

How divorce feels

On one level, divorce may appear attractive to us. It represents a change. It offers relief from both emotional stress and constant physical confrontation. On another level, divorce threatens our self-image and how we feel about ourselves. We have been taught to value marriage. Its breakup can be one of life’s most painful and confusing traumas. In the end, we may see our marriage as a failure.

Because most of us expect our marriage to last forever, we felt no need to learn what happens to people who separate and divorce. So now, we face divorce ignorant, unprepared and frightened.

How a marriage dies

In some marriages, the partners merely drift apart. We may be indifferent even to the act of final separation. Other marriages break up abruptly. This event can be as shattering as a partner’s sudden death.

Most breakups however arrive after a prolonged, agonizing process of months to years. During this time we tend to antagonize on another with quarrels, threats and demeaning behavior, followed by promises and compromises.

How the process of breaking up affects others

As the disagreements become more frequent, our behavior patterns change. This affects those around us. If there are children, early on they sense the turmoil. They are directly affected by the bickering. They feel deeply the trauma of pending separation. They fear an uncertain future. Their anxiety and concern stem from their love for both parents and from their guilt and helplessness of being caught in a situation beyond their control.

Outside the home, marital problems affect relationships with other members of our families, as well as friends, co-workers and employers. Shame, indecision and a wish to hide our unhappy situation from outsiders can change our relationships. Preoccupation with marital problems or the anxiety over a pending or ongoing breakup is certain to affect our job performance.

Divorce – right or wrong

Some troubled marriages deserve a chance to be saved. Others are better ended promptly as painful and unfortunate mistakes.

Because of the size of the divorce problem, most states have liberalized their divorce laws. Divorce is now a more social institution than a legal institution. It is more socially acceptable. But divorce is still met with resistance and often disapproval by some religions.

In the act of divorce, there is no right or wrong, but troubled spouses must understand that divorce is as complex a problem as either person is ever likely to face. As with marriage, divorce is not to be entered lightly.

What should I do?

For something as complex and traumatic as divorce, perhaps the first step is to seek help. Ready sources of support include close friends, neighbors or clergy.

If your struggle carries you beyond the ability of nonprofessionals, if you are still troubled by the question, “should I get a divorce?” or, if you’ve decided and need to help getting through the trauma, contact your EAP, local crisis line, mental health clinic or community resource center. One of them will be able to guide you through this difficult time.

Remember your Employee Assistance Program is:
• Confidential: All information is kept strictly between you and your counselor
• Informal: A simple phone call starts the process and there’s no red tape.

For assistance call Hidalgo Health Associates at:
800-448-4470